Tuesday, 12 August 2008


I suppose the writing was on the wall when Panzer Attack failed to turn up for their much (at least by me) anticipated acoustic set at Music in the Basement at Whitby Coliseum.
Also it would have given me the chance to talk tea with them, a subject dear to my heart. A few weeks ago I donated a selection of teabags, which I elaborately coded and sent by post to their Glaisdale HQ, with the intention of doing a tea review, perhaps with a bit of musical chit chat thrown into the pot for good measure.
Sadly it was not to be, as the following missive arrived by electronic mail like a bolt out of the blue moorland sky.

Alright mate, just letting you know that we've broken up so we won't be able to finish that tea review unfortunately!

Basically none of us can be bothered with it any more and we all have other stuff to do with our little lives. But this is the official, public, reason for the split...

Unfortunately, Panzer Attack are no more. Guitarist Shepton, after a nasty bout of tea poisoning, decided he could no longer handle the rock and left to start a hippie commune in southern Belarus.

Upon hearing this news, Leeds reverted back to his natural form: a bear. The confused and angry young Leeds could no longer fulfil his duty as bassist, so he was set loose by the remaining members of the band into the wilderness of southern Belarus. It is not yet clear if this was a coincidence or not but it has been reported that an entire hippie commune in the area was in fact mauled by a shaven baby bear.

Due to "Tax Issues", Swell has declared himself bankrupt and fled to South Africa, he says of the situation "Aye it's alright like, got blacklisted from me own country though.........it's shite anyway.......aye..........Broken Britain I say.........(trails off into incoherent rant)".

It has recently come to light that guitarist Josh has been collecting all the royalties from the band's platinum record sales on the sly and has spent it all on Salmon, Venison and Veal. He is currently suffering with gout which has prevented his solo tour "The Mighty World Of Josh (He Who is Master of All, Especially Table Football)" from going ahead as planned.

Kate is said to be doing just fine, despite recent allegations of her trying to comandeer the HMS Endeavour and house it within the world's largest bottle.

The End.xx

Cheers, Shepton x
Sounds pretty final to me, but lets watch the flames light up the night sky and see if anything emerges fom the ashes.
In the meantime, put the kettle on, will you?


WhitbyNowSec said...

I know, I know - it is a crying shame. It has shook the town and dales to its root. I was in Skinningrove Post Office the other day. "Howdo Mrs. Secretary," said Post Mistress, "have you heard t'bad news?"
"Howdo Mrs.Percival," I said, "which bad news is that then, it all seems bad to me these days?"
"Tea reveiw is off!" she said.

Chris said...

As the eagerly awaited Tea Review will now no longer take place, I feel I can reveal the coded list of teabags I sent to Shepton of the Panzers without fear of recrimination.

1. Whittard's Blend 1886. A blend of indian leaves giving a complex aroma with a rich, full bodied flavour.

2. Twining's Lady Grey. Subtle and fragrent with floral overtones. Best drunk with a dash of milk. An afternoon tea.

3. Whittard's Darjeeling. An aromatic tea from that most magical of tea growing regions, high in the Himalayas.

4. Whittard's Earl Grey. A delightfully cultured blend with a distinctive flavour and aroma derived from the addition of oil extracted from the rind of the bergamot orange.

5. Sainsbury's Fair Trade Assam. A satisfyingly strong and flavoursome tea when brewed correctly, with a rich malty aftertaste.

There were two teabags of each flavour, but I bet its all been drunk now.

As Liam Gallagher once sang "Never put your tea in the hands / Of a Rock and Roll band / They'll drink it all away".